A Father’s Day Reminder and Challenge

Fathers are very important in life. Not that mothers are not. But mothers are not the focus of this article. The fathers are. Fathers play a unique and vital role in life. In fact we can trace some of the social and emotional problems in our society due to lack of father figure or due to abuses that fathers perpetrate in the home.

It is said, for example, that adolescent boys are engage in more delinquent behavior if there is no father figure in their lives.1

In his Father Facts, a study on the effects of absentee fathers to their children, Wade F. Horn concluded that the large body of research pertaining to fatherhood reveals that, compared to children raised in two-parent homes, children who grow up without their fathers have significantly worse outcomes, on average, on almost every measure of well being.2

Another study shows that “girls and young women who have an unstable father figure are more liable to unplanned pregnancy, low-self esteem, high school and college drop-out, poverty, divorce and sexually promiscuous behavior.”3

There are exceptions, of course. There are some children who grew up well and fine in single-parent homes or in homes where biological fathers are abusive, absentee or abdicating.

So how important are fathers in our lives? What’s the purpose of their existence in the world? These are the questions I want to address here. I will first explore the biblical responsibilities of the father in the home. Then I will touch a bit on the importance of the role the fathers play in the family and close with a personal reflection.

The Bible tells us of the three-fold duty of fathers. First, fathers are God-ordained leaders of the home. God has called fathers to be His main representative in the home. They have God-given authority to rule and manage the household in God’s stead, in God’s way, and for God’s glory. God’s purpose for the family is to glorify Him by imitating the personal relationships within the Godhead, showing to the world what it means to live harmoniously and in unity in diversity.

In these relationships within the home the father plays a crucial role in seeing to it that everyone does his part and does it willingly and joyfully. Husband-fathers are accountable to God for the well-being of the family. On this ground, order in and success of the family largely depend on the faithfulness of the father in fulfilling his task as the leader. Conversely, disorder and breakdown in the home are mostly due to the neglect or abuse of fathers as leaders.

Second, fathers are providers. Right from the very beginning, man was mandated and equipped by God to work the earth (Gen. 2:15). The entrance of sin did not change man’s task although sin made it harder for him to accomplish his mission. In working the earth man has to till and cultivate the earth in order to receive produce from it. Whatever man receives from nurturing the earth he brings it home to feed and nourish his family.
What this means for the father today is that he is responsible for financial provision of his family. He is the family’s breadwinner, ideally to free his wife up to pursue her vocation in the home as wife and mother. He works in order to meet the needs of the family.

But the father’s duty of providing is not only limited to material needs. He is also to provide spiritual direction and guidance to bring his wife and children to maturity in the faith. Fathers who spend time with his family in reading and studying the word of God and in prayer are doing great service to his family. Fathers who are spiritual leaders in the home are also great leaders in the church and the community. Their children are usually proud of them and are not ashamed to follow their footsteps.

Finally, fathers are protectors of the family. They serve as strength and fortress in the home. The father’s instinct is to secure the well-being of the members of his family by guarding them from intruders. This is part of the father’s calling when God tasked Adam to guard or keep the first garden-home in Eden (Gen. 2:15). Mothers and children feel secure when fathers are equally responsible in this area.

Fathers will especially do well in protecting their family by being willing to lay down even their own lives against any intruder for the sake of their wives and children. No doubt fathers could learn from our Lord Jesus Christ who was willing to give up even his very life to save us and protect His people from the consequence of their sin, which is eternal death. In protecting us, His people, Christ willingly became our substitute taking our place and carried our sins with Him in His vicarious atoning death so that sin and death will no longer be a lethal threat to us.

However, a wise father would also protect his children from their sin and his own sin. We fathers should not be naïve of our and our children’s propensity to sin and foolishness. Being aware of this, we must use our God-given authority and strength to correct our erring children before it’s too late. Remember the sin of Eli who did not restrain his sons from their iniquities. Let us learn then from his unwillingness to discipline his wicked children by lovingly disciplining our children and training them unto righteousness.

Likewise, fathers, protect your family, especially your children from your own sin. Learn self-discipline and self-control. Don’t deceive yourself that your sin has no consequences to your children.

Someone has rightly observed that one unmistakable lesson we learn from reading the Old Testament is that a nation can suffer because of the sin of its leader and that a family can suffer because of the sin of its father.4 Achan, for example, sinned by keeping for himself some of the items plundered from Jericho that God had devoted for his own use. When it was found out that his disobedience was the reason for Israel’s crushing defeat, it was not only Achan who suffered the consequences (Joshua 7). God punished all Israel for a time through the disgraceful rout at the battle of Ai leaving Israel’s army with thirty-six dead soldiers. God has impressed upon Israel’s heart the truth that one man’s sin has terrible effects upon his household. Eventually not only Achan but also his whole family were put to death because of his sin as the head of his household.

So fathers, let us protect our family by running away from sin, by putting it to death, and by pursuing holiness in humble obedience to God by His Spirit. Author and blogger Tim Challies has a very helpful thought in this area. He said, “Sometimes the greatest gift you [fathers] can give your family is a silent, hidden decision to refrain from pursuing sin.”5

So how important are fathers in the lives of their children? In speaking of his fellow writer, George MacDonald, C. S. Lewis said, “An almost perfect relationship with his father was the earthly root of all his wisdom. From his own father, he said, he first learned that Fatherhood must be at the core of the universe.”

Fathers are powerful instruments in God's hand in bringing up upright and law-abiding children. They are God-sent tools in building godly families, strong churches, and peaceful and orderly communities and nations. That’s how important fathers are in the economy of God.

As a father who knows my role and my responsibilities I am very aware of my many shortcomings. Yet I do not give up pursuing this noble calling of fatherhood. I am not discouraged by my many weaknesses in seeking to carry out these God-given responsibilities for I know that God, our heavenly Father, by His Holy Spirit equips me to persevere in keeping these duties. In spite of my many failures, I thank God for sparing me many sorrows as a father by giving me a godly wife and four wonderful and God-fearing children. It is my prayer that as our children grow I will also grow in my obedience to God’s holy calling as a father – to be a Christ-imitating leader, a faithful provider and a firm protector of my family and children.

Endnotes

1 Freakonomics, “How an Absent Father Affects Boys and Girls Differently,” The Freakonomics Blog, October 19, 2011, accessed May 24, 2014, http://freakonomics.com/2011/10/19/fathers-and-delinquency-in-the-american-family/.

2 Jennifer Flood Eastin, “Impact of Absent Father-Figures on Male Subjects and the Correlation to Juvenile Delinquency: Findings and Implications,” (PhD diss., University of North Texas, 2003) 4-5. Available at http://digital.library.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metadc4332/m2/1/high_res_d/dissertation.pdf.

3 Lisa Mancini, “Father’s Absence and Its Effects on Daughters,” (Thesis, 2010) 3. Available at http://library.wcsu.edu/dspace/bitstream/0/527/1/Final+Thesis.pdf.

4 Tim Challies, “Leadership in the Home – A Godly Man Protects,” Informing the Reforming Blog, December 3, 2009, accessed May 24, 2014, http://www.challies.com/christian-living/leadership-in-the-home-a-godly-man-protects.

5 Tim Challies, “Leadership in the Home – A Godly Man Protects.”

Covenant Theology and Family Life

The church elders and I have recently seen the need to strengthen our grasp of the doctrine of the covenant and its ramifications and applications to our relationships in the family. We are convinced that godly families make a godly church. So we prayed and keep on praying that the families in church would grow not only in their knowledge of God and His covenant dealing with us but also in godliness in the home and in the body of Christ that we might not blaspheme the Name of God.

Thus beginning October 2011, the elders decided to change our Sunday afternoon worship service into a Bible study with the focus on God’s covenant and its implications to marriage, family, and parenting. I have been using the materials of Dr. Joel R. Beeke – both his writings and audio lectures – as our study guide.

Since almost all of the members of the congregation did not grow up in a Reformed family with covenantal perspective, the Sunday afternoon Covenant Bible study has enriched our understanding of Covenant Theology. All the more we appreciate our rich heritage as Reformed believers. Some of the topics we have covered include 'How to View our Covenant Children,' 'Family Worship,' 'Building Convictions in Our Children,' 'Cultivating Healthy Relationships Among Children,' and 'Raising our Children as Gatekeepers'.

Here's what Dr. Beeke says in his lecture on Building Convictions in Our Children:

"Teach your children to seek communion with God in the face of our Lord Jesus Christ. You want to stress with your children through evangelizing [and catechizing] them that all of life is empty without God and they must be always seeking God. What’s important in everything in life is that we seek God’s will. Seek communion with God...All of life revolves around God. Without God all of life is empty. That’s the conviction you want to instill upon your children.

Then there is nothing other than the conviction of the motto of the Reformers that says, “Coram Deo,” which means “In or before the face of God.” You want your children to live with the consciousness that God is always present. That will keep them not only not to commit sin but also help them to seek the Lord’s presence and the Lord’s will. And if that is foundational in their lives, ultimately when you teach them to live on praying ground and to living lives seeking God, and God the Holy Spirit blesses it, you’re 90% on the way home in terms of childrearing because your children leave your home seeking God, knowing to pray spontaneously over everything. It’s going to be alright. They are going to be alright. They’ve got a good foundation. They’ve got built-in convictions. So this is absolutely critical – to be seeking God and be aware of God’s presence."

Building Strong Christian Marriages

(A message shared at Harold's and Pam's wedding based on Ephesians 5:22-33)

Many of us, if not all of us, would agree that “When marriage is founded on God’s Word, it is more enjoyable, more fulfilling, even though misunderstandings and mistakes exist.” The trouble is that many marriages – even by couples who are professing Christians – are not governed by God’s Word and the consequences of this are tragic.

What I’ve just read from Ephesians 5 is one of the clearest guidelines and most life-transforming passages in the Bible pertaining to marriage. And marriages founded on the Word of God are strong and healthy, not without problems, of course. And a healthy marriage makes a healthy home.

But you and I know that although we know these things pertaining to marriage, it doesn’t automatically follow that our marriages will turn out healthy and strong. I am aware that many Christian couples here – whether you are living consistently your faith or not – are hurting and are bearing the realities of our sinfulness and imperfections. We still live in this body that continually battles against sin. And so our attempts to build strong marriages are always hindered and many times end up a failure.

But there is hope, right here, in the Word of God. In this section of the book of Ephesians, the apostle Paul focuses on the implications of the Christian faith for the home, which is the basic unit of society. And it begins with marriage. In other words, in this passage, the Lord calls His people to be imitators of God in marriage.

Let us briefly consider two things on how to be imitators of God in marriage. First, we will consider the responsibility of the wife. Then, we will look at the responsibility of the husband.

A. The Responsibility of the Wife (5:22-24)

According to Paul, what is the specific God-given responsibility of the wife? Verse 22 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” The word translated "submit" means literally ‘to rank oneself under another person.’ It indicates an attitude of humility and a willingness to follow the leadership of others that manifests itself in outward actions.

Therefore, the passage essentially indicates that the wife is to joyfully and obediently follow the leadership of her husband whose God-given role is that of headship over the family. So Pam, as you enter into this marriage relationship, do not forget that your main responsibility as a wife, according to the Word of God, is to joyfully and obediently follow the leadership of Harold.

Let’s read v. 22 again. Now v. 22 also says submit ‘as to the Lord.’ What does it mean that wives ought to submit to their husbands "as to the Lord"? Well, it simply means that the wife is to willingly submit herself to her husband in the same way that she would submit herself to the Lord Jesus Christ. This means the "Christian wives’ submission to their husbands is one aspect of their obedience to the Lord." For you wives, this submission would include among others:

1) Displaying a heart of commitment and dedication to your marriage and family. Mga asawa, ang inyong pagtahod sa inyong bana molangkob ug 'commitment' ug 'loyalty' sa inyong kaminyuon ug sa inyong pamilya.

2) Secondly, this submission would also include assuming the posture of complete trust in and support of your husband’s leadership. Sa ato pa, mga asawa gikinahanglan ang inyong pagsalig ug pagsuporta o pagpaluyo sa inyong mga bana.

So Pam, you should recognize and respect Harold’s divinely mandated role as leader of the family, just as Paul tells us in v. 23 that the husband is the "head of the wife" in the same way that Christ is the "head of the church." What this means is that the husband-wife relationship follows the pattern of Christ’s relationship to the church, which is His bride. In other words, the church’s relationship with Christ is the model for the wife in her relationship with her husband.

This also means that the leadership of the husband provides stability, authority, protection, provision, and leadership for the family unit. This is patterned, of course, after the headship of Christ, who provides stability, authority, provision and leadership for the church.

Also, this indicates that the scope of the wife’s subjection is comprehensive and it extends to "everything" pertaining to their marriage and family relationship (v.24).

It is also important to note that this passage does not teach that the wife is of lesser worth or value than the husband. The distinction between the husband and the wife is set forth in terms of role, not value. Likewise, this passage does not teach that the husband is more important than Christ. While the husband stands in the role as head of the family, he too is the servant of Christ and is to live and conduct himself as Christ’s servant in the home.

So what is the point of this passage? The marriage relationship is the most beautiful picture of the spiritual relationship between Christ and His church and is, therefore, a sacred and holy institution. In fact Paul expresses this fact in verse 32: "This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and his church." In God’s divine wisdom, He chose marriage as the perfect picture of Christ’s relationship with the church, because marriage is the most intimate human relationship.

Therefore, the wife’s role of submission is the most important thing a woman can do. While this might be controversial to modern ears, it is nevertheless true that the role of wife is a holy and high calling before God. So Pam, I would like to reiterate it, to submit to your husband’s God-given role as the head is a holy and high calling before the Lord. This is your main calling. You should not be afraid to show your submission to Harold for in that way, you also obey the Lord, regardless of how you feel or what problems arise.

The role of the woman, then, is to manifest the type of submission to her husband that will resemble the church’s submission to Jesus Christ. Thus, our Lord Jesus Christ is most honored when the wife truly submits to her husband, “as to the Lord.”

B. The Responsibility of the Husband (5: 25-33)

Now, if the wife’s responsibility is captured by the word “submit”, the husband’s responsibility is centered on the word "love" (v. 25). Briefly let’s note some features of this love in the text:

1) This love is totally unselfish being patterned after Christ’s self-emptying life for unworthy sinners, like you and me (v.25). Christ knew that He was giving up His life for sinners, not for righteous people. When Christ showed His love to us, He sees nothing good in us. In fact, He sees us as sinners – helpless sinners, unworthy sinners. Yet He unselfishly gave Himself up for us. Aside from being unselfish…

2) This love is constant and is not subject to changing times or circumstances. This kind of love, in other words, is faithful. So Harold, your love to Pamela must remain – even if she loses her beauty and appeal. Even if at times she fails to submit to you. Your love, like Christ, is to be constant.

So our question here is: How did Christ love the Church? To what extent did He love His bride? Note the phrase in v. 25 "just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." This kind of love indicates: First of all, a self-sacrificing love (v.25), which finds its ultimate expression upon the cross – "[Christ] gave himself up for her." In other words, Jesus paid the debt that the Church could not pay. And what was the debt? Sin. And what was the payment? Death. All of us have sinned. We ought to pay for our sin. But we cannot pay for our sin. Only the perfect sacrifice of Christ is the acceptable payment to God.

And Christ willingly and sacrificially died on behalf of His bride, bearing upon Himself the consequences of His bride’s sins. Christ paid for the debt that we cannot pay, so that in Him, and by faith in Him, we can joyfully live in eternal union with Him, just like being married with Him forever.

Likewise, the husband must love his wife enough to be willing to die for her. But practically speaking, husbands, do you patiently bear the consequences of your wife’s foolish acts and failures? Do you ‘sacrifice’ for her? Do you die to your pride just to take responsibility of your wife’s troubles?

Second, this kind of love is an up building love (v. 26). What do we mean? This love have the wife’s best interest in mind with particular attention given to her spiritual needs and Christian development – "to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word" (v.26). The husband should display his love for his wife by constantly building her up and encouraging her in her walk with Christ.

That’s how Christ relates with His church. He works for our improvement, our welfare, our holiness. Christ protects and preserves the Church until the day that she will be fully united with Him in the new heaven and the new earth. So in a very real sense, Harold, as the designated "head" of your wife, you are personally responsible for the spiritual well-being of Pamela and, God willing, your children. So would you commit yourself to help Pam to grow spiritually? Would you pray for her and with her? Would you teach her and set as an example for her what it means to be a true follower of Jesus Christ?

Third, this kind of love is an affectionate love (v. 29). Affectionate love "feeds" or “nourishes” and "cares for" the wife. This love keeps her warm. Again, this feature is perfectly displayed in Christ’s love for His bride. Note the interesting way that Paul illustrates his point in v.29.

So husbandly love should be passionate, tender, fulfilling, practical, and attentive at all times. So Harold, and all the husbands here, would you be caring and tender to your wife? Would you seek to be close and be one with your wife by being gentle and affectionate with her?

To us husbands, we are called to the solemn task of providing the family with a living example of authentic love. It should be obvious by now that if husbands truly love their wives just as Christ loves the Church, wives would have no problem submitting to their husbands.

I think you would agree that at those times when the husband mirrors the loving leadership of Christ, the wife’s submission will positively enrich her womanhood. Thus, ‘each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband’ (v.33). This is how we live godly lives and become ‘imitators of God’ in marriage.

But you and I know that this ideal in marriage and home is not easily achieved. Certainly the basic hindrance to the achievement of healthy and strong Christian marriages is our sinfulness. We talked about this in our counseling sessions.

So if you desire to build and experience a strong and healthy marriages and family, you need to come to Jesus Christ. Not just now, but always. Christ alone breaks down barriers. He alone reconciles you and me with God. He alone reconciles us with one another. He alone cleanses us from our sin. He alone gives us the Holy Spirit who produces in us the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Christ alone gives you, Pam, the Holy Spirit, who enables you to submit to and respect Harold ‘as to the Lord’. And He alone gives you, Harold, the Holy Spirit, who enables you to truly love Pam just as Christ loves the Church.

When both husband and wife faithfully fulfill their responsibilities in marriage according to God’s Word, marriage may not be perfect, yet it would be more enjoyable. It would be more satisfying and God glorifying! God bless you and your marriage, Harold and Pam!